News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She has the best kind of daddy issues
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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