Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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