We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
