I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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