I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
ttyl tear gas
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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