Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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