I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
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My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My penis needs a shock collar
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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