i love accidental penises.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
