just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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