After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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