Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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