Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
BRING THE BAGELS
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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