Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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