I could make wine with my vomit
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
