I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
