im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
