david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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