I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The uberlube is also flammable
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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