my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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