The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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