i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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