I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
