my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
