I got her a Nickelback box set.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
