oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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