got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
