The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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