I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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