The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
