is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
