you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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