my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
