I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's official drugs can't kill me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
