Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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