they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
