How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize