you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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