Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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