I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
