I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
