so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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