I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My hand turned me down
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
