I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And then my night got REAL pukey
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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