The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
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i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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