My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
