I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
