I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
