JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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