These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
