I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
