Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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