My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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