Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
